So many of them lie with me even as I write this..

My words seem to be screaming out of them, crying for you, wild in despair, looking for you, trying to reach you, all this just to get a deaf ear.

They change colors with season and the words have a life of their own. Some laugh all the time, some are wet with tears, some are always eager to be close to you, some warm, some cold…

These words live with you. These words still are in love with you!

Life is a journey and well, we all love being travelers. The whole idea of finding your destiny not only appeals to us but also excites us. Enough of philosophy, eh?! So, I was almost between three cities-or to be more accurate between two cities and one town- Delhi, Chandigarh, Simla…

The good news is that I am a post graduate finally, for those who consider degrees as education and the bad news was I had no job. Even though I call myself ‘gypsy’ and as much believe in the free-spiritedness, trust me I do need to earn as well.

Anyhow, coming back to what I essentially meant to write about. The first job is the hardest one; and when I say that minus all the part time jobs you’ve done, no matter how boring they were, the first full time job is the HARDEST. Here are a few reasons why…

• You’ve to get up almost the same time everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY!
• You can’t bunk. No bunking. It is not your college or university where you can access how much of attendance you have and then go to sleep thinking ‘ah, all right I’d cover up next week.’
• Also, even if you’re to make an excuse, the pleasure of sharing it is all gone. Like in college you can’t text your group at the eleventh hour saying, let’s bunk today or say see you in the second lecture-am sleepy.snooze!
• The fact is there are no second lectures-it is a full day!
• You are in a strange world with stranger people around. Lucky you if you’re around home, but for most of us it’s the other way around. We’ve to find another home which comes closest to being at home. And that takes a lot of time.
• You’re apprehensive about the job, work, and culture of the firm you’re working with.
• You don’t know how to react to jokes of your colleagues and maybe which is why silence is the best policy was ever said.
• You wait for the weekend like anything and on the weekend you don’t know what to do.

Here are some of mine, add on yours

The value of somethings in life is only realized once they are gone. Though I have written, ranted and blabbered here, it is ironical that the place is been up and running since one year. Now I have to bid a goodbye to it as I kind of can’t afford it for now.

Thank you amitoj aka Nemesis for letting me have a space of my own.

Thanks everyone for being appreciative or critical at times, but more importantly reading me. Guess you can catch me on FaceBook, we still have a space to write notes there.

P.S  you never know I might just return to blogosphere.

XOXO

It’s a strange world. A strange life.

It is a full circle, but you never get to complete one!

It’s like a movie, where there is a co-centric movement to a specific scene. You might go to and fro, I might move around in circles, but we have to come back to the moment-again and again.

There is lot more to this moment, which our eyes can see or our minds can make out of it; a lot more that our hearts know and feel. We might not even feel the same about this, ironically, but it is inseparable now. We rather depend on it-this moment-more or so. It is one thing that connects me and you. One thing, the only, that is and shall always be common between us. Like a pact, its mutual and its silence is more than comforting. You watch it-replay this moment, muted, while I give in to the blaring sounds, deafening every other thought.

It’s like a pause, if not a full stop. It gives us our space, like a breather, it lets us accommodate better; it leads to a decision- a better one at that. We do and we shall remember each other, for this moment.

We would always remain, forever, in our lives stuck in a moment.

The heart’s broken, soul withered, mind disillusioned. Happiness is pretence like the smile, to mask people away, to wall you in. Soon, the moss takes over the wall, thick in nature; it grows until the walls are no longer visible. But you always know, you always feel, you always remember that this wasn’t what you wanted.

Another moment, it’s the bloodshot eyes and you cry-everything you had even longed for, ever known, your emotions now fragile, your love now forgotten, your dreams now crushed, you cry. So much comes out at that moment that you feel your stomach being empty churned by the dread of loneliness, nausea drives you weak along with memories, and the vacuum is created.

it’s that one, but it is that moment.

Most of the time
I’m clear focused all around
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path
I can read the sign
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
I don’t even notice she’s gone
Most of the time.

Most of the time it’s well understood
Most of the time I wouldn’t change it if I could
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
And I don’t even think about her
Most of the time.

Most of the time my head is on straight
Most of the time I’m strong enough not to hate
I don’t build up illusion ’til it makes me sick
I ain’t afraid of confusion no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind
Don’t even remember what her lips felt like on mine
Most of the time.

Most of the time she ain’t even in my mind
I wouldn’t know her if I saw her
She’s that far behind
Most of the time I can even be sure
If she was ever with me
Or if I was ever with her
Most of the time I’m halfway content
Most of the time I know exactly where it went
I don’t cheat on myself I don’t run and hide
Hide from the feelings that are buried inside
I don’t compromise and I don’t pretend
I don’t even care if I ever see her again
Most of the time.

I keep on thinking about what you said to me. Even tonight I fail to believe you could have done any more than you already did. I told you so.

I, on the other hand, would not trade anything, not even a moment, even in exchange of more. The future does give a better perspective of things in the past. Every thing we did, everything we said, everything we didn’t say, has a justified reason somewhere, however, small, minute it may sound, the fact is-it was just.

At times, even your return does only qualify for redemption. Redemption of things which you thought went ugly, correction of facts which otherwise shouldn’t have existed, more time, more attention, more pleasure. And wouldn’t the ‘more’ lead to ‘much’ pain? On whose side, has never been the argument between us.

The whole process of erasing and rewriting seems to be taking place. Washing away the old names only to be written in a different handwriting; why do we forget that waves of time would anyhow swallow them! They’d be gone, again, forever.

The fact is we would never change. Only you and me will!

…the scents fade in, the world turns on, the victor braves the biggest loss, your war is your cause and its nobody’s but yours, more within than you can know, the mockery of the soul, tic-toc-tic-toc-the clocks say it all…

in a life you have never known

Yes, I try, well, try-not to think about ironies of love, or even love for that matter..leaves me with a bad or sullen mood and a bitter taste…

And, what I didn’t tell him was

That somwhere I hoped and I hoped that love would find me again and take me in….